Considerations by a groupie

Personally I’m flabbergasted, I must admit. What is this new phenomenon on Sydney’s caliginous gnu-metal scene? The band, under the name of Art Imitates Crime – formed about four months ago. This is also how long ago it is since I met one of the members of my topic formation (and fell for his callipygian shape and fascinating mind). By some colossal coincidence four months is ALSO the exact amount of time that has elapsed since the concept of gnu-metal was born. It’s almost a little bit scary. Thanks to this incredible series of events, I have now had the pleasure of witnessing (on one occasion I was even fairly sober) six pulchritudinous boys perform on stage – and that, ladies and gentlemen, is where they should be!

It all began in Canberra, the hip and happening capital of yours. That was at the end of October, and by then I went by the title “band members girlfriend,” and was hence expected to show up at a certain place at a certain time – to travel in convoy-style to Canberra. Later on we were to find out the hard way that convoys are moderately good ideas. Convoy kept breaking up, and people kept ending up in different corners of the continent, named stuff like “Cooma.”

I, never good at showing up at certain places at certain times (and oddly unfamiliar with people actually caring whether or not I do) made it against all odds, basically coming straight from the 24-hour pub around the corner from me – fresh and excited. Endured hours and hours of not-quite-gnu-metal from the stereo, kangamoos, and then… the show.

I met a girl who had certain key qualities I look for in a person, and we discovered a new life form. I downed a few Bacardis to get in shape, to for the first time hear songs like Serenity, Wannabe (although not the Spice Girls version), the SMS-song and a brilliant cover of Everybody dance now. The boys would like to refer to themselves as Cherpes (lead singer with a very irenic stage presence – without a trace of disequilibrium, although personality can at times be a bit short-fused), Mary McKillor (on keyboard and inspired by local almost-but-still-waiting-for-a-miracle-saint Mary McKillop), Tinea Turner (why indeed, and also on keyboard), BBQ Streisand (on drums), Shoes (or “why are we always waiting for John” on base) and Death Midler (no, not dead nor gay – just enjoys wearing a lot of make-up and tight fitting t-shirts – on guitar, if memory serves).

Post first show.

Naturally we were all swept of our feet, left to divagate the Canberrian band venue completely pixilated, it is hard to indite with justice.

Art Imitates Crime attracts a crowd. Every time. Maybe they just have a huge number of friends and people who are in debt to them in some other way – maybe they’re not talented and their talking is just fanfaronade! Well. Let’s move on. Second gig was at a party, where – again – I had to resort to Bacardis to get in shape. I got some photos of our formations guitarist in a children’s pool – covered with jelly, make-up smeared. Rumour has it those pictures made it to the website. Good job, Mr Midler.

Next one was at Club 77, here in Sydney. I’m sure it was good, however, I wasn’t there, that bitch was my evil twin… Again I praise them, in spite of a few lacunas in my memory – I heard from a couple of reliable sources that they rocked. Again.

To confirm my ever-growing suspicion that they are actually pretty decent, and it’s not just an infatuation with a beautiful boy in manner of giglet – I decided to arrive completely sober to their last gig (last at point of writing – as they are hunted down by venues all over Sydney as we speak) at Excelsior, Surry Hills. And though we were told nine, and it was really eight thirty – the crowd came. And I was impressed – sobriety didn’t take away much of the experience – the experience of what CAN only be labelled as gnu-metal! Here’s a simple woman, ladies and gentlemen, who likes to listen to Dido and even Whitney – but they must bow out to a much catchier beat, to which you can (believe it or not) dance…

And dance I shall, because this is lovely everybody! I invite you all to join my love-parade, because how can I possible be expected to describe the band or the music any further? I don’t really know English, I don’t really know metal – but I know Art Imitates Crime deserves to make it, and not because I just read they would in my tarot cards…

So if this works out (and it should), and fame and fortune comes knocking on Art Imitates Crime’s door – I’ll hold on to my newfound lover, and spend the rest of my working life at home on couch with laptop on knee – smoking cigarettes and watching Ricki Lake, occasionally putting together reviews such as this one! Because don’t forget – this was just the beginning, this is

To

Be

Continued…